Homonymy

One of the signs of specialization in modern society is our junk mail. Since I own a few rural acres and have been known to attend Oregon Horticulture Society meetings; I get junk mail for farmers. Farmer junk mail consists of advertising for seeds, fertilizer, land use issues and several small advertiser supported agricultural magazines that specialize in the latest and greatest farming techniques using products advertised in the magazines. Got a nematode problem? Have we got a product for you!

It's been a long week. I worked hard in the yard last weekend in a burst of energy, incited by a couple of nice Spring days. I managed to aggravate old injuries in my knee and shoulder. Today I had one of THOSE DAYS! and came home with a splitting headache and wallowing in self pity over my decrepitude.

When I walked through the door, the phone was ringing. Caller ID showed an area code unknown to me. My luck seemed like it was due for an uptick, maybe it was Publisher's Clearinghouse calling to tell me I'd won a million dollars! Hey, it could happen.

No such luck. I'm not a millionaire and we're not having a big party to celebrate. Don't give up hope though, I dropped a couple of bucks on lottery tickets this week.

Me "Hello"

Guy "Is this Keith?"

Me "Yes"

Guy "We're calling about the information request you sent in for our new weed killer"

Me "I don't use weed killer" note: I'm a lying bastard - I use weed killer and I would have hosed this guy down with it in an instant if he'd been standing in front of me.

Guy "Let me ask you this; Do you own a farm?"

Me "Yes"

Guy " Well what do you use to kill weeds"

Me "Goats and Hoes" note: I'm a lying bastard - I've never used a goat for weeding - I'd like to, but at this point I haven't. I have used a hoe and I would have whacked this guy in the head with it in an instant if he'd been standing in front of me.

Guy excitedly and volume going up "Ho's! You use Ho's to weed?"

Me "Not Ho's, Hoes - You know Garden Hoes!" Images in my head of Female Garden Gnomes plying the world's oldest profession...........

Guy - still excited and loud "Oh, well those aren't the kind of Ho's I use!"

Me laughing "Well to each his own"

When I was a kid, my dad used to make hoe cakes - I haven't had them in forty years. Seems like it might be time to make them myself. These were called Hoe Cakes because the field hands would cook them on their hoes.

Hoe Cakes

A couple of handfuls of cornmeal, a teaspoonful of salt. Mix with cold water (all my dad ever did) or buttermilk and soda if preferred. Make a thick batter; pour 3 or 4 inch sized hoe cakes on a hot greased griddle (this is a perfect use for that stash of bacon grease in the fridge) or for a more authentic experience go get your hoe and build a fire in the garden.

Serve with a bit of butter and syrup or if you're like my father you'll skip the butter and syrup and splash them with a bit of Tabasco.

If this seems too mundane or trailer park to you, jazz them up by calling them "Grilled Polenta"