You're Fired!

I've fired my cats. It was harder on me than it was on them. They not only don't seem to mind, they seem to be totally oblivious to the fact.

Three cats; all useless. These cats owe me dammit! I saved their sorry furry butts from fates unknown! All three are rescues via my vet.

India and Jubilee are sisters, an American Longhair and an American Shorthair respectively. They were a few days old when their mother was run over. The vet's staff bottle fed them and I got them at age 6 weeks. India looked like Don King with hair going in all directions and always meowing about something. Jubilee was smaller and quieter and by all appearances butter wouldn't melt in her mouth.

Their lack of proper feline parenting was apparent from the beginning. No fear of dogs. In fact when other dogs come to visit they will often intimidate them by following them around the house and yard. Max, a co-worker's black lab got so frustrated he sat in a corner of the back yard and barked and howled until I rescued him from the annoying pests.


India fancies herself as the mightiest hunter of all time. Her prey consists of leaves and small sticks. Never the shy one, she announces each successful capture with much caterwauling and proudly brings each trophy into the kitchen for me to admire.

Jubilee is an avid snake hunter. In the summer she stakes out the various snake lairs in the yard and when she successfully captures one of the resident garter snakes she brings it into the house and releases it. Catch and release at it's finest.

Gigi or Ginger, she ignores either name, is a Tortoiseshell. She was brought to the vet as a kitten to be euthanized after her back was broken when she got slammed in a door. The vet managed to nurse her back to health and she shows no outward physical signs of the trauma. She is however totally skittish and paranoid and flies through the house at the slightest noise.

Ginger hunts monkeys or to be more specific "the monkey". The monkey is a small stuffed monkey that she adopted at the vets. Her daily task as she sees it, is to seek out the monkey and kick the monkey's butt (I'm pretty sure the monkey likes it). She hurls it around, pounces on it and finally grabs it in her front paws and kicks it ferociously with her rear paws. Mission Accomplished, she then settles in for a bath and a long nap.

I don't ask much from these cats for providing them with food, a clean litter box and the occassional ration of catnip. While hunting leaves, sticks, snakes and monkeys is all well and good and are even admirable talents when done well it's not enough. Really, would it be too much to expect for them to catch a damn mouse?

Friday evening while cooking dinner I saw a mouse skitter out from under some shelves across the floor and under the refrigerator. Smooth move and I thought it was pretty brave considering the fact he did it in front of two of the cats. They couldn't be bothered to respond though. Apparently a mouse is under their radar.

I turned off the stove and put things away for later. I headed up to the hardware store and grabbed a six pack of sticky traps for mice. I set three up in the kitchen and three in the basement. First thing Saturday morning I checked the traps and the one in the kitchen by the refrigerator had a mouse in it.

The cats were not impressed. They showed no remorse that I had to catch the mouse myself. I was angry and I told them so. Then I fired them. I told them each individually, explaining that they were not meeting my expectations and that I was going to have to let them go. Good thing I've had management training.

So far the their firing hasn't affected them much. I thought they might decide to seek a home where they would be appreciated for their meager skills, but for the time being they show no signs of going anywhere.

The aborted Friday night dinner was Braised Chicken Thighs with Lemon and Olives. I finally made the recipe on Saturday and it was just OK. It called for fresh lemons and I think it would have been better with preserved lemons. Since I'd bought an abundance of lemons I decided to preserve my own for the next try.

Housemade Moroccan Preserved Lemons

Scrub a half a dozen lemons - I used the common Eureka Lemon, but it's okay to use Meyer Lemons if you've got them.

Cut the tips off of either end

Slice the lemons from one end lengthwise almost to the other. Give it a quarter turn and repeat. You'll want about 3/4 of an inch at the bottom to hold the 4 quarters together.

Use a tablespoon of sea or kosher salt per lemon. Pour it over the open part of the lemon and then stick the lemon in a clean quart canning jar. Repeat, jamming the lemons in to the jar as tightly as you can.

Jam the lemons down everyday. They'll get softer. Rotate the jar and turn it over to keep the salt and juice distributed. At the end of a week cover the lemons with extra juice if needed.

Put them into the fridge for a month and then they'll be ready to use.

You can spice them up if you like. I've seen bay leaves, corriander seed, dried red peppers and cinnamon recommended. It might be fun to try a sprig of rosemary.

I used a bay leaf, a couple of pinches of red pepper flakes and a teaspoon of corriander seed in mine.